Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real

[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…

[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem

Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”

Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”

Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”

Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”

The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.

Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.

Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.

Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.

Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.

When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.

ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.

GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.

ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*

GENIE: DAMMIT

Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried

A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..

Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now

🔥🔥

My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.

Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!

– squirrels

my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?

I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.

Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.

{On Tinder}

ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please

therapist: you need to enjoy the little things

me: like ants

therapist: not exactly

me: [nodding] baby ants

You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place

Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them

Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?

Me: Um no, just holding hands

I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.

*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*

My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.

How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.

It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb

It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.

Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book