Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.

omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions

[first date]

Her: I love big hearted people

Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy

Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.

Toddler: happy birthday daddy!

Me: aw thanks buddy!

Toddler: it’s my birthday too?

Me: no your birthday is in December.

Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!

Me: no-

Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Me: but-

Toddler: SAY IT!

Me: happy birthday?

Toddler: thanks daddy!

me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred

I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company

wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about

someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.

Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.

*apocalypse happens*

My kids: This place doesn’t have any wifi?

Me: No place has any wifi.

My kids: Ugh. This is the worst apocalypse ever!

[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?

[typing ellipses for a solid minute]

HER: yes

I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…

Me: *Posing nude for the first time*

Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh

Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.

Him: I don’t know how to do that.

Me puzzled: when did you get here?

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.

Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.

suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”

Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?

Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.

Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.

The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.

Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.

Him: we met six seconds ago.

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*

My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]

Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.

How to get ready for things :

1. Procrastinate for 5 hours

2. Panic 10 min before leaving

Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year

What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?

A parsnip.

As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.

My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.