@Sorrowscopes

Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.

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@CrockettForReal

Lionel Richie: hello.

Adele: it’s me.

Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?

Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?

Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?

@ArfMeasures

God: I’m calling this a horse

Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!

God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks

@simoncholland

[Produce Aisle]

Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.

*mouthful of like 20 grapes *

“That lady took one too!!”

@Boba_Photo

$1,000/hour for an escort? No thanks. I’ve been crossing the street by myself for free since I was 6.

@DitzMcGeee

him: what are you writing?
me: an epic romantic novel.
him: nice! what’s it called?
me:

@Browtweaten

me: how much for the wireless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

@T_Bonezzz_

[Gets Pulled Over]

Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out

@audipenny

[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think

@martinMmorrow

Am *I* rich? Ha. Well let’s just say I told my Uber driver she could order something from Taco Bell too if she wanted.

@samuelhlowe

-Do you take drugs?
-No.
-Ever tried them?
-Never.
-You seem very nervous.
-I’m just not used to being questioned by a unicorn.