Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
You Might Also Like
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
2022: I can fix it
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.