Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
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God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
$1,000/hour for an escort? No thanks. I’ve been crossing the street by myself for free since I was 6.
him: what are you writing?
me: an epic romantic novel.
him: nice! what’s it called?
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Am *I* rich? Ha. Well let’s just say I told my Uber driver she could order something from Taco Bell too if she wanted.
-Do you take drugs?
-Ever tried them?
-You seem very nervous.
-I’m just not used to being questioned by a unicorn.