Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
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If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.