Gemma Correll
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ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
lmfao
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.