Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
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I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Choosing the correct font is crucial…
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
How it started How it’s going
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies