Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
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*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
this is so top tier i cant
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.