Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
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[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
🍛
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
I hope this email finds you in a well
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Thaw me like one of your french fries
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.