Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
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I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:
Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.