Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!

But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.

If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!

My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.

ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.

I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.

I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.

I attended a workshop yesterday on how to deal with election anxiety and we basically had to make a written plan and most people were like “stay off social media” and I said, “I won’t start fights in the comments”

WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????

Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.

I don’t think my car can fly

Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?

Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.

I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on

I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away

[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a

Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.

Sexting:

Him: What do you like in the bedroom?

Me: Sleeping.

Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?

Me: Close the door on your way out.

Him: No, I meant…

Me: Also lock the door.

There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.

Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen

*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*

Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW

Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now

CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing

son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]

bought wrong eggs

Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach

BRAKING NEWS!!

BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.

Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week