Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
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If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
