Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I snorted all the lines i was supposed to read between

I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.

Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then

Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS

paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?

[from back of the room]: twitter

Panda: am I too pudgy?

God: I have a better question.

Panda: ok.

God: what’s black and white and red all over?

Panda: I don’t know.

God: it’s you.

Panda: b-but I’m not red.

God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.

Panda: [blushing].

Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did

explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process

the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed

[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service

I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.

[dinner, my place]

“This tastes like pork?”

ME: You asked for a nice swine

“No, a nice wine”

ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?

Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?

Eve: Wrong hole!

Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know

writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound

Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen

Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan

Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

Me: yes that number is zero

All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.

My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……

Perhaps next time I should go out with him?

Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes

Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from

Friggin’ narcs ruin everything

if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl

A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.

Guess he was lucky

*puts on sunglasses*

It was a soft drink

#FFFC

Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*

ㅤ

Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.

Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )

Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”

Close call…

I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded

My bad habits got renewed for another season.