Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted

My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”

When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.

[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]

Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.

The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.

Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.

T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!

Doctor: How big were its horns?

T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*

Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.

[at oceanside seafood restaurant]

Me: Is the fish fresh here?

Waiter: Yes

*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*

My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Thank you. I’ll be here all night.

Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.

Cinderella: I lost another shoe

Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he

When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch

Disgusting if literal: Liverpool

Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill

Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?

Me: I want to buy a keyboard

Yamaha: yep

Me: … and a guitar

Yamaha: yeah we got you bro

Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?

Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this

To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.

Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.

ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.

Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more

The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.

[first day of creation]

GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light

NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”

[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead

ME: Please don’t make me do this.

WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.

ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?

MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?

ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?

I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.