gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
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Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
sin harder.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.