@pilau

gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?

scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one

gen z: what

scientist: what

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@HatfieldAnne

It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.

@Herbs1996

Hate when older people say “you’re too young to be tired” alright Margret you’re too old to be alive but here we are

@tsm560

Numbers don’t mean anything to me. I’m here for the deep abiding friendships with people who haven’t blocked me yet

@ThugRaccoons

Boss: And why can’t you come in today?

Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.

@HomeWithPeanut

[Watching an educational show]

[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]

Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.

[5 minutes later]

3: Why doesn’t he hop?

Me: ??????

@tpurvis06

Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.

@infamousone96

You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.

@Sirrruh

Life has taught me if you go to the store for milk and you’re high, you won’t buy milk. You will spend half your rent on hot pockets though.

@Jake_Vig

Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…