It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
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Hate when older people say “you’re too young to be tired” alright Margret you’re too old to be alive but here we are
Numbers don’t mean anything to me. I’m here for the deep abiding friendships with people who haven’t blocked me yet
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Life has taught me if you go to the store for milk and you’re high, you won’t buy milk. You will spend half your rent on hot pockets though.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…