Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.

I’m doing Bikram yoga today.

By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.

It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.

When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.

the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet

Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us

Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.

[buried under a pile of geese]

Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.

The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!

The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.

Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.

Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.

If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser

i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.

Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.

Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥

“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”

Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?

Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.

– texts to my bed

You’re an adult. You can do what you want.

Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.

Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle

Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.

I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes i see that now

All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…

If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British

If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.