Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
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Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
life finds a way
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My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
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Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.