gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms
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[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Namaste
what’s really going on
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
I can’t stop watching this.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament