gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms
You Might Also Like
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Grandmother clock.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet