gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms
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Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets