gender is a sprctrum
You Might Also Like
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is