gender is a sprctrum
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Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Children of the corn 🌽
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog