gender is a sprctrum
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*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Kid #1: “I’m scared of monsters.”
*spend 45 minutes hugging & comforting child*
Kid #6:”I’m scared of monsters.”
Me: “Eh, the cat’ll get them. G’night!”
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.