Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?

A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test

yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses

I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.

I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.

The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!

I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.

Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.

Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

Me: you feel like doing something?

Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill

Me: maybe after the killing then

Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones

Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh

i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.

” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.

Said no one ever.

mario: I hate you

wario: and I hate you

mario:

wario:

mario: do you wanna play tennis

wario: lmao hell yeah

Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.

Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.

Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’

Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’

Me: “Want a banana?”

3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”

“How do you find anything in here?!”

-my mugger, giving my purse back

(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”

Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.

I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.

My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.

Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.

AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain

Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.

No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.

~ whiskey

If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…

… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.

I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.