Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage

*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good

[Asking someone out]

Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.

There are no kids named Durf if you’re looking for a void to fill.

‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.

Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:

Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?

You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.

You can’t have both.

[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible

[first day as a fireman]

So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?

Squeak, squeak, squeak!

I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.

Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?

“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”

mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-

[From outside] LOOFAS!

Me: Which cup do you want?

2-year-old: That one!

Me: Let’s pick a different one.

2-year-old: No!

*drinks milk from a shot glass*

WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.

I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me

According to math, I’m broke

Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.

Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”

Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.

[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]

**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**

Me: Goodnight angel.

9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.

I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.

Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.

And then there were 4

Can me and you go out sometime?

“No, your grammar is too poor”

Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?

My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.

“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead

why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks

[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day