Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.

wife: are you drunk?

me: define “drunk”

w: impaired by an excess of alcohol

m: define “excess”

w: yeah, you’re drunk

m: define “you’re”

*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”

Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”

Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.

Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.

[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*

I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”

I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?

~ kid logic

I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.

Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly

Me:

Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?

I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.

One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it

I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do

me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?

Lou Bega: *deep breath*

A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.

[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]

Date: What’s your favourite meal?

Me: Poop

Date: What?

Me: SOUP, I like eating soup

Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.

There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead

Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN

when mom throws a party…

Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.

Ok, but like, how married are you?

Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?

Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.

Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot

you: let’s get this bread

j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye

If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile

Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes

Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.