gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
You Might Also Like
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
It’s crazy I need a certificate to prove I was born when you can literally just look at me
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Costco workers just authorized a nationwide strike, which makes sense because collective action is basically just buying justice in bulk
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.