Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.

One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV

He has no idea 🤡

ME: *moistens lips with tongue*

DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again

i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.

TIME TRAVELLER: No

WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?

Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.

Good day meowlady

* tips cat

We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls

West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.

23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.

Henry Ford: Yes, sir.

“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”

If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta

PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic

When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.

me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home

wife: what happened to you?

me: I met a celebrity this morning

wife: and….

[earlier at the car wash]

optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?

I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.

WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.

WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.

What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you

*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth

Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower

Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.

IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training

me: *report as phishing*

Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.

Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.

How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”

Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.

Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime