GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
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Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]１９.９８
[very gently]
１９.９９
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]３７.８３
GODDAMMIT
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’