GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
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Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly
#getstudying #college
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.
I’m ex-static!
#DadJoke
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.