General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
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Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org