@trainwreck1000

General Contractor: Don’t worry ma’am, everything will be ready, we’ll have the scaffolding set up and erected.
Me: *mutes phone* hahahahaha

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@DaddyJew

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: im very straight forward

I: doesn’t sound like a weakness

M: you look stupid in that tie

@mjkspeaks

[interview]

THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?

ME: thank you.

@TuffyNyC

Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon

@clusterctraits

I like how some beatles songs sound like they’re written for children and other times they sing about heroin.

@merrittk

i want a ghostbusters movie set in the immediate aftermath of the first one that’s about regular new yorkers grappling with the knowledge that the soul persists past the death of the body, but sometimes you end up as a green monster man

@MissHavisham

6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…

Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.

6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.

@ShutUpThatsWho

[son falls over & hurts himself]

ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC

WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?

ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?

@GingerHotDish

Me: Alexa, make me a drink.

Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.

@WilliamAder

Told my wife that Hooters is an owl rescue sanctuary where I’m doing important volunteer work.