General Contractor: Don’t worry ma’am, everything will be ready, we’ll have the scaffolding set up and erected.
Me: *mutes phone* hahahahaha

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MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?

MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?

MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?

ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—


Me: “That’s a lot of octopussies to occupy a tank.”
Guide: “it’s octopi.”
Me: “Oh..that’s a lot of octopussies to octopi a tank.”


Kids here’s a tip. Next Christmas leave Santa marijuana cookies and watch how happy your parents magically become the next morning


Sorry I totaled your car. I saw your kid made the honor roll, so I let go of the wheel to applaud.


Pretended to add my number into this obnoxious guy’s phone. All I did was edit his mom’s contact. Hope she likes dick pics and booty calls.


*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”


The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.


If by ticklish, you mean I’ll turn into a rabid chihuahua on bath salts if you come near my underarm, then yes I’m a little ticklish.


When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.