Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: im very straight forward
I: doesn’t sound like a weakness
M: you look stupid in that tie
General Contractor: Don’t worry ma’am, everything will be ready, we’ll have the scaffolding set up and erected.
Me: *mutes phone* hahahahaha
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THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Haters gonna hate, thermometers gonna thermom
I like how some beatles songs sound like they’re written for children and other times they sing about heroin.
i want a ghostbusters movie set in the immediate aftermath of the first one that’s about regular new yorkers grappling with the knowledge that the soul persists past the death of the body, but sometimes you end up as a green monster man
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Told my wife that Hooters is an owl rescue sanctuary where I’m doing important volunteer work.