General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
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I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Scientists says humans are the most evolved, but bears get to get fat all summer and then sleep for 4 months, so who’s really ahead
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
This checks out
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
I just helped a 94 year old dude figure out how to use his card at the gas pump. First off my dawg we need to get you off the road
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.