General: We need aerial support now!
Captain: *confused* I’m glad she had a happy ending, she deserved more than the ocean could give her sir!
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A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.