Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?

Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming.

Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.

It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?

4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:

12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow

I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.

Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.

My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷

If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”

I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”

They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.

I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”

“Tim’s coming tonight”

“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”

[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop

Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.

Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.

I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*

Hello 911?

“What’s your emergency?”

You work in a building?

“Yes”

Inside?

“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”

So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!

STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.

You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles

did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?

Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.

“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo

British people

All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.

*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir

Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*

*gravy

[someone is nice to me]

*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*

Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas

ME: alexa, make it quieter

*music gets way too quiet*

ME: alexa, make it louder

*music gets super loud*

ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter

ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?

ME: jesus christ

ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts