Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.

Me:He was much better at fighting than me.

Police:Ok is there anything else?

girls literally only want one thing..

In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???

I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”

When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.

So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.

Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle

Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”

I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…

What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans

Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.

My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.

Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts

Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.

My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.

*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*

Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??

I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.

Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.

People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?

Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.

Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?

My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.

Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.

Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…

If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?

We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter

How are you?

“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person

“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off

*turns on ceiling fan*

Oh shit my stamp collection

My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.