General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.

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Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?


Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO

Me: are they human?

Him: no they’re-

Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer


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“My bf and I were having dinner with my family and I asked for my daddy to pass the sriracha my bf and my dad both reached for it” – Harvard