General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
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Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Noted.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.