Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
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This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover
Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
🤣😂
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore