Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
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“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller