Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.

[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]

khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub

I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.

I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass

“Well I guess I better get ready for work”

*gets out of bed*

“Ok I’m ready”

I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.

ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that

Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.

I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.

I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.

It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.

Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.

Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.

8-year-old: Why?

Me: For what you did last night.

8: You were supposed to forget about that.

Secret Panel HERE 🔪

People who complain about parties must not like free food.

Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers

Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee

There’s so much going on 😂😂😂

meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned

me: way ahead of you

A 27yo asked me to come home with him!

I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!

We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?

[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon

Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots

Him: You don’t have Russian roots

Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*

hate when you tell a hilarious story and then everyone’s like “omg im so sorry that happened to you?????” like get with the program honey we’re laughing about this

Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim

Kid: Even Jesus?

Mom: Of course

Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda

My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.

Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.

My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….

Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.

How can you tell when a duck is a witch?