Generation gap…
You Might Also Like
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
I needed a laugh this morning.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
My patience has stretch marks.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.