Generation gap…
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I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.