Generation gap…

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“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”

OMG, you mean this isn’t it.

And that’s how the fight started.


Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?


Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.


My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.


Me: That guy is a bad apple.

6-year-old: He’s a person.

Me: I just meant he’s mean.

6: Probably because you called him an apple.


If the cup is only half full, I suggest you buy a smaller bra


Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”

Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*