Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what kind of cook setting is this??

What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?

“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”

“That’s a smart car.”

PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there

friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?

wife: we think it’s-

me: snakes. we think it’s snakes

me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos

Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet

“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant

If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.

Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!

Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*

when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes

*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”

*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*

Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.

Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.

Me: My dog ran away two days ago

Dog pound: Does he have a tag?

Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?

At urgent care with my 8yo

Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.

😆

(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)

Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?

Me: Yes, I love potato salad.

Nutritionist: no

The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.

That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.

So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.

[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe

[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die

Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.

Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.

I found a doctor online and I was happy because I could sign up for an appointment without contacting anybody. Since 3:15pm yesterday, I have received 13 contacts from them for today’s appointment.

If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.

if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?

Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.