Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
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Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie