Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?

So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.

my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane

My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.

Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?

The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind

“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*

EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.

My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.

FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*

Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard

Wife: *smirking* ok

Me: *pulls out my game boy*

“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”

– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered

Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.

I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.

Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.

Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.

I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.

Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok

No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.

My mom when I was a kid:

“Never talk to strangers.”

“Never get in their cars.”

Me to my future kids:

“Here’s how to order an Uber.”

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?

What jugglers do best

1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle

that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg

*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?

Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.

Him: what’s your favorite season?

Me: Reese’s Egg Season

[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?

Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?

Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!

Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.

Me: What’s your name please?

Customer: Hal

Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?

Customer: Harold

Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah

Boss: Could you ever just don’t?

Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.

Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult