Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”

Me: I have no choice, there is no other way

*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*

People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?

[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?

Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.

Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.

My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad

Me: add to cart

My therapist: no

Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”

Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”

How does a Ninja attack a pig?

Pork Chop.

Me: welcome to my painting podcast

[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]

Me: it’s a mountain

I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”

0 for 3 so far.

My 4yo: Let’s play a game!

Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?

4: No. Yes.

Relationship- Significant other

Writer- Significant Author

Round Table- Significant Arthur

Corporations- Significant Auditor

Zookeeper- Significant Otter

I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.

Me: “I peed three times last night”

Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”

Me: “Getting up?”

Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.

Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible

I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.

I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.

me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk

terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet

me: what

terrorist: with sock

me: no

I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.

[Plays air guitar]

[Dodges air panties]

Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.

If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee

It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!

Partner: It’s raining

Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything

you, an idiot: *eats a snack*

me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*

Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two

Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄