“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
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Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.