Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.

Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH

Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”

date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.

me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*

honey, bring out the fine china.

Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.

If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios

I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.

My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.

when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”

Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.

Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.

Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.

Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.

There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.

There are two types of people in this world:

1) Good people

2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.

1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”

If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.

Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.

only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday

I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!

Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.

I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.

Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.

Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday

caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!

hamster: finally!!!

ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs

Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.

I think about this a lot.

[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it

[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people