Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .

A comic by Hugleikur Dagsson

[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”

Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?

You don’t know what you’re missing

Me: Alexa, make me breakfast.
Alexa: Okay, you’re breakfast.
Me: No I mean…
Alexa: Lol! What a moron. 🤣

Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.

Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.

Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks

*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother

Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐

I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.

Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.

Alice: I’m late.

White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line

Alice:

White Rabbit:

Alice: *stares*

White Rabbit: oh shit

Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.

Facebook memories be like

If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.

People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie

Easy enough.

My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over

not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan

i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening

Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet

Friend: slim fast?

Me: wine

[Married pillow-talk]

Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.

Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.

All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.

*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.

The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.

Me: *singing*

Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”

He was driving.

All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.

Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.

I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.

“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”

I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.

It was.

GF: What’s my biggest flaw?

ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you

GF: No come on, I mean pacifically

ME: We should split up