Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
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*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.