Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
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Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
New menu item
[standing at urinal]
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: i said stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: KNOCK IT OFF
me: *puts down tambourine*
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit