Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling

batman: dude, you can fly…

superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder

batman: what

MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad

COW: What’s that mean?

MAN: Uh-

COW: I’m fat?

MAN: … You’re a cow?

PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo

My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”

Squirrel Thoughts

They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.

still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again

[mailman delivering package to hospital]

DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered

MAILMAN: please stop saying that

having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing

Me: This edible isn’t working.

Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.

We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends

TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.

Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.

Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*

there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get

Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.

mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon

Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”

me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism

wife: shut up and take the trash out

Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.

“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants

Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.

I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.

I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.

There’s a serious limit in how much one can take

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.

My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.

Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.

Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.

Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.

LOL at people with only 99 problems

What’s that like?