genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
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My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.
But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”
Me (at a tournament): I win!
*throws ball into the crowd*Manager of bowling alley: Okay, that’s not right.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
My family likes to play this game called “let’s leave dry fucking toothpaste in the sink until it hardens and we need dynamite just to remove it”
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*
Me:
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you