genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
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How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Not even remotely sorry.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland