genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
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[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
no one ever comes back
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
bury ourselves
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
pls suprot
Turkeys really only have one day a year and it’s a bad one
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
The Friday File.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what