genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
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You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!