Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: you need a knee replacement

me: great i would like slinkies

Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.

Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.

Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”

[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”

-Steve Harvey M.D.

friend: how did the neck surgery go?

me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.

[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?

Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?

whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it

Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice

People: Let us know if you need help!

Me: Okay I need help

People:

me: that’s my wife susan

him: please pass the salt, ma’am

me: idk she’s pretty lazy

her: [rotates entire table]

me: but strong

“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”

~My son apparently

Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.

If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.

spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic

If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?

Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!

Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.

The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.

Meghan Markle: breathes

Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.

“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser

Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no

When they talk about CIA on cooking shows

What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs

With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.

I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.

Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD

Me: omg okay

[45 minutes into our walk]

Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM

Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria

Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht

Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard. 

I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken