Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’

i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body

Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*

Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”

The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.

My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME

“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside

They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.

Or bees.

My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.

And then hit her head.

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

[in ambulance after being shot]

can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?

“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”

Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.

[on a plane]

ME: how much for wine?

ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot

ME: oh right it’s free

Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.

Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving

I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing

Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.

Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?

This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step

Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.

it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects

My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.

I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.

Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken

DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed

ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work

YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are

Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?

Me: the hospital.

Wife: what happened?

Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.

Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.

Me:

Wife:

Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.

I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems

My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair

Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?

Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?

[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable

I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.

Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.

Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.