Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
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Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
I feel seen
Good morning, Twitter x
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by