Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.

Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]

My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.

The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall

Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…

There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo

Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise

OH. COME. ON.

bury ourselves

i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me

Husband: my back hurts

Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???

sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day

[breakfast]

ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup

WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude

I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.

Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.

Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.

Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG

So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.

I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.

Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.

He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?

My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.

Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.

I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed

Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.

I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.

Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.

Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!

Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!

Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?

Me:

Son:

Me: There are only 2 things to fear

yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other