@MelKassel

GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM

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@primawesome

I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.

@freudianscript

Welcome to twitter- Please stand by, someone will disagree with you shortly.

@daemonic3

Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?

Name 3 chains they’ve smoked

@CourtneyBale

To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms

@ArfMeasures

Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok

[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either

@thatUPSdude

(Stalker Diary)

Day 4: Still under her bed. She continues to put the toilet paper roll on upside down. It’s like I’m living with a monster.

@iwearaonesie

wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No

@Parentpains

When all else fails burn shit, people will forget how much of a failure you are when they see stuff on fire.

@JohnLyonTweets

I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.