GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
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They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
My brain is a bad influence on me
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Science memes
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?