Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
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Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Potatoes were such a good idea
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER