Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert

ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food

GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste

ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny

If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.

what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog

One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird

I’m single and proud of it!

* Flips hair
* Trips over cat

My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.

*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me

Dentist: for the love of God just floss

Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.

why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare

me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep

The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.

Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.

me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant

friend: hi dave

dave: brilliant

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket

[ I am abducted by aliens ]

alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different

me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR

Her: I like dogs

Me: *dies in 10-13 years*

Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.

In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.

This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.

I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.

I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.

Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.

Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around

Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”

Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”

If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.

Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.

me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind

I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.

“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?