GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
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Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.