Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.

Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.

All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep

People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.

You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.

When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere

When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by

At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts

😜

if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened

My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year

I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.

Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.

We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.

My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.

My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.

The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”

*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF

Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.

Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.

Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!

Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ

[sharing a cold one with the guys]

“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”

(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas

Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.

Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.

I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.

the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.

I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.

I fall in love too easily.

Wait..

It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily

Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?

The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭