Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything

Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage

ㅤ

Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.

him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere

If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?

My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS

My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.

him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that

me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses

Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead

Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank

I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.

I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.

That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers

Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.

[boarding a flight]

me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”

pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”

me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”

pilot (annoyed): “what?”

me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”

Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now

Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.

Me: *makes new sandwich*

Kid: This one has too little.

Me: *makes one just right*

Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.

Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.

Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.

<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men

Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.

What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?

No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.

Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!

Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”

POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”

BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir

What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.