Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.

aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.

Husband: Where is the candy?

Me: What candy?

Husband: The Easter candy.

Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.

William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.

If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it

I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.

[campfire]

And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN

[everyone screams in terror]

Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do

Government Shutdown: Day 13

Anthony Weiner decides to help.

He takes a photo.

He tweets.

Congress now sees where balls are located.

guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed

i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix

I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids

they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork

That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to

Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart

You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.

Chefs: you eat with your eyes first

Me, eating with my mouth: oh no

My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.

Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.

Them: No we get that.

A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge

Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day

My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.

When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”

me: [getting murdered]

murderer: [murdering]

murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?

murderer: unbelievable

Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.

From the videos I’ve seen lately, I only need a few simple steps to renovate my kitchen:

Step 1. Come into a large inheritance

[on shark tank]

Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change

Baby shark: I’m out

Mommy shark: I’m out

Daddy shark: …Go on

I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.

me: why can’t I crack this egg open

wife: because it’s a lemon

me: first my car and now this