GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
You Might Also Like
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
