Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses

*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*

doctor: ok thanks for all your help

me: no problem, have a good one

doctor: love you bye

me:

doctor:

me:

doctor: i’m married

[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain

I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.

The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.

ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.

Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?

Beers ranked:

1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer

Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk

Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.

[god creating seahorses]

angel: any more ideas for animals?

god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim

My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.

I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me

Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.

if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base

All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.

[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9

I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together

Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.

[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]

*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*

No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.

Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.

Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa

My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal

My tenant and his wife got into a huge fight last week and filed for divorce. He said “I’m bringing her Christmas gift back” then proceeded to drag a WRAPPED mop out the door and now I want to know more about this fight.

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.

People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.

[brain surgery]

SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork

ASSISTANT:

SURGEON: …over that scalpel