Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[end of interview]

Any questions for me?

Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?

YOU ARE SO HIRED.

ME: we need to talk

BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—

ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all

I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.

If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all

Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?

Me: 👌

As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.

No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.

wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?

[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT

Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that

I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.

I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh

The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them

Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.

After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.

My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.

A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.

I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.

good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler

My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix

Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?

4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.

Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.

*The fault in our Jars*

Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.

Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.

Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u

I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.

establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’

Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.

I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.

[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?

[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?

Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!

Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.

If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping