Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
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Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary