Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush

[zombie apocalypse]

SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it

ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead

“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.

I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office

i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️

What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?

a pool table.

Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.

Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased

Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead

Cult Leader: …

Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building

Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”

What if a woman was Nunchucks?

– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating

Woman: I make my pasta from scratch. Have you?

Me: I’ve made ice from scratch.

You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.

I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.

Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.

[restaurant]

ME: Do you have updog?

WAITER: [sighs] No sir

M: Ok, is this gluten free?

W: No you have to pay for it

M: Damn you’re good

I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”

Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”

She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.

Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl

Cop: license and registration please.

Me: (gives cop both)

Cop: you drinking tonight?

Me: no.

Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.

Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.

Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.

I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material

Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?

I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.

we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park

PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage

ME: (clearing throat)

BRIDE:

GROOM:

PRIEST:

ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now

Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years

British cheese: We briefly scared a cow

American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine